Not my typical post

I was thinking recently about a problem I have, which I am now in the process of fixing. My dad told me once that I have to be careful because I can be very contrary. I agreed with him, but of course insisting that I am only sometimes contrary. I also admit that I hold grudges, although I recognize that grudges are dangerous things, for a number of reasons, including that they never allow the offender to clear him/herself. So I'm contrary and I hold grudges...but that is not the problem that I am talking about--those are just factors that I have identified that might add to my problem. My problem is that I have a serious aversion to the idea of some people using me as an ego boost. I'm not sure if I have explained this accurately, so I will give an example. I dated a guy once who was a big jerk. He is on a mission at the moment, and I refuse to write him because I don't want him to think that I still like him. But then I was thinking, why shouldn't I write him? Who I am to assume that he would take it the wrong way? And why would he think that anyway, from a simple letter? And let's say he does think that I like him...is that really so bad? Everybody likes to receive letters, and most people like feeling that they're liked, so why do I have such a problem with him being happy? I guess I realized that it's not my mission in life to be the great equalizer. It's not up to me to control how I think other people should act, and I certainly shouldn't promote the misery of people who have hurt me in the past. In the process of realizing this problem and trying to rectify it, I hope that I am breaking down the foundation of contrariness and grudgeholding, and someday I will be a nice person. And I don't mean not bad person, I mean a truly nice person. I doubt this post makes as much sense to whomever is reading as it does to me, but it had to be said.