Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Not my typical post

I was thinking recently about a problem I have, which I am now in the process of fixing. My dad told me once that I have to be careful because I can be very contrary. I agreed with him, but of course insisting that I am only sometimes contrary. I also admit that I hold grudges, although I recognize that grudges are dangerous things, for a number of reasons, including that they never allow the offender to clear him/herself. So I'm contrary and I hold grudges...but that is not the problem that I am talking about--those are just factors that I have identified that might add to my problem. My problem is that I have a serious aversion to the idea of some people using me as an ego boost. I'm not sure if I have explained this accurately, so I will give an example. I dated a guy once who was a big jerk. He is on a mission at the moment, and I refuse to write him because I don't want him to think that I still like him. But then I was thinking, why shouldn't I write him? Who I am to assume that he would take it the wrong way? And why would he think that anyway, from a simple letter? And let's say he does think that I like him...is that really so bad? Everybody likes to receive letters, and most people like feeling that they're liked, so why do I have such a problem with him being happy? I guess I realized that it's not my mission in life to be the great equalizer. It's not up to me to control how I think other people should act, and I certainly shouldn't promote the misery of people who have hurt me in the past. In the process of realizing this problem and trying to rectify it, I hope that I am breaking down the foundation of contrariness and grudgeholding, and someday I will be a nice person. And I don't mean not bad person, I mean a truly nice person. I doubt this post makes as much sense to whomever is reading as it does to me, but it had to be said.

3 Comments:

Blogger Lauren said...

I think I know what you mean, Stefani, and as a mean person, (probably meaner than you, we should have a competition sometime)I have learned many times the value of letting go of grudges. But I have also learned the value of protecting myself and not letting people walk all over me. It is nice to be the one to apologize, but every once in a while, when someone apologizes to us, we shouldn't have to feel guilty. Does that makes sense? Probably not. Oh well.

4:55 PM

 
Blogger Russ said...

This post reminds me of your oft-stated pet peeve: people who think they are smarter than you think they are. I'm sure it fits in somewhere. Thanks for the ego-boost.

5:30 PM

 
Blogger the narrator said...

you can be contrary to what? i'm confused.

if you write him a letter he's going to think you are in love with him and want to marry him and give birth to eleven children for him.

by not writing him, you are making the loving and moral choice

7:21 PM

 

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